I’m finally doing it!
Last year has been the most intense year in my life. Back in 2017 I went to rehabilitation because of my chronic pain. Little did I know about the hard and long journey I was starting. 14 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. That wasn’t a relief, as it only meant that I had chronic pain. But why, that was not clear. For over a decade I believed it was only genetic. After years of strong painkillers, constant changes in my life, deep depressions, anxiety… I was tired, so tired I didn’t want to keep on fighting. I was about to give up. That’s when I went to rehab. I learned a lot about fibromyalgia and something started to happen inside of me. I wasn’t aware of the magnitude of it. I worked with one trauma from my childhood. But that was not the worst trauma I had to work with. It wasn’t until November last year that all my traumas were unleashed. All at once. I experienced the worst sorrow I’ve ever experienced. It’s a sorrow that will always be with me. A sorrow that changed me, crushed me, worst sorrow ever. That triggered all my past traumas. I got a new doctor and started working hard with a psychologist. All the anxiety, panic attacks, sleep paralysis, depression, migraines and physical pain were actually symptoms of PTSD. I revived all my traumas, which started in my childhood. I had repressed my traumas in order to survive. That evolved in what was diagnosed as fibromyalgia.
I’ve been creative since my childhood. Music, painting, writing, photography… I wasn’t aware about how creativity helped me cope with my PTSD. I didn’t even knew I suffered from PTSD. I always tried to have a normal life, tried to be happy. So my creativity was always something I considered a hobby. I’m a sound technician and Art Director. But I’ve been working as a tester, programmer, graphic designer, in a printing press, in factories… until 2013, when I started working in a graveyard. Best work ever.
But after my last collapse in November 2018, and all what I learned about myself, I decided to do what I’m best at. And now that I know where my suffering came from, I’m focusing my energies to thrive. No more survival, now it’s time to thrive. I still have big trust issues. But being outdoors, alone in nature, taking photos, recording, meditating, embracing who I am and why I am like I am gives me the courage to keep on. Gives meaning to my life. Gives me a purpose. Documenting my journey with PTSD through nature and my creativity.
So now I’m using all my knowledge in this life project. I call it sergism. I’m sergism. Sergism is my past, present and future. Sergism is who I am.
Now I’m being open to the world, but most important, I’m being honest with myself. I wrote a book for myself, a guide of my life. A guide I use to map my creativity. A guide for my journey with PTSD. A guide I use when I take photographs, play music, draw, animate…
So now I’m finally doing it. I’ll be blogging my experiences creating outdoors. My journey with PTSD.