Kayaking has also become an important part of me. I started kayaking in August this year. Why kayak? Exposure therapy was the main reason, but it felt like the right choice. I’ve been fighting lots of traumas this last year, one of them has a lot to do with the sea. And to be honest, there has always been a voice inside me telling “this is something for you”. Guess what, that voice was right. The more I paddle the more I love it. In only two months I’ve already taken three courses. The introduction course, the basic course and a eskimo rolling course.
I was really lucky with the introduction course. It was extremely difficult for me because of my social anxiety, not to mention the sea. But there I met Tad, Laura, Andrea and Victoria. Beautiful people. So I managed to fight back my anxiety. I love kayaking alone, but kayaking with them is always much better.
Kayaking has shown me how much I’m able to accomplish. One year ago I couldn’t rely on my own body because of the pain and inflammations. Kayaking gives me also a mastering feeling, there’s a whole unknown universe beneath me. It feels like being in a small spaceship. I never know what’s really happening beneath me, I have to feel the wind, feel the sea, look to the sky… there are a lot of things happening all the time, but I feel comfortable. Even when it’s windy. I guess that being more than thirty years in hyper-vigilance modus was a good training after all. I like to see it that way, otherwise all that hyper-vigilance would have only been a waste of time. I still have a lot to learn, but kayaking feels right for me. Since the first day. It felt like being in the kayak’s cockpit was the right place to be, although I actually hate being in small places. But somehow, I become as one with the kayak. I guess that by being in such a small place I find the balance I need to be out in such a huge place.
I’m training for a special trip. Next year I want to paddle from Oslo to Jeløya. I was in rehab in Jeløya back in 2017, so it will be a kind of closure for me. I don’t know when it will be, but August would be perfect. Exactly 3 years after my first stay in rehab.
I’ll be blogging more about how kayaking helps me cope with PTSD.