What I’m sharing with you today is what I consider one my most valuable learnings, and one of the reasons why I choose to share my journey the way I do. I could go directly to the conclusions by using ready made quotes, but I personally don’t find those “answers” good enough for me. I’ve always had the need of thinking for myself, analysing my experiences. It makes me a complex and difficult person to understand, so I tried to adapt me. Obviously with no success. I find it very difficult to perceive and explain the environment surrounding me by simple dichotomies. Paradoxically, accepting complexity makes it easier for me to understand and interact with my surroundings. I’ve been told that I am deep and abstract. It’s not negative, but I know that it can be difficult for some to understand what I’m actually trying to say. So I’ll try to write down my thinking process as clear as I can instead of just writing down the conclusions. Why? Because by exposing only the conclusions we usually lose depth and meaning.
I’ll start with time. As I see it, time is a component that helps me interact with the environment that surrounds me. So I’ll first place myself in a pre-established timeline. I’m now almost 42 years old. I’ve personally met people from the 19th, 20th and 21st century. I’ve met people from the 1st and the 2nd millennium. So I have interacted with small parts of those times perceptions. But time for me ain’t a continued progress. Will come back to this later.
I’ll also geographically place myself. I was born in Barcelona, so for most people I’m from Barcelona. But I’ve lived in Larvik, Nesodden and in Oslo. By the time I was 33 years old, I had already had thirteen “permanent” residences. I’ve been now living in the same flat in Oslo for eight years. This will soon be my longest permanent residence. It’s home. My home. So I can say that I’m from Oslo. But I’m not. It depends of where in my timeline I look at.
Now that I have placed me both in time and place, do I belong to this time and place? No, I don’t. And I strongly believe that neither do you. We all experience time in our own way. Yes, we have built up scales that allows us to interact with each other in a way that kind of makes sense for most people. But does it really make sense? Not for me. And I’m sure I’m not alone in this way of perceiving time. I am constantly being told where and when I am by a common system. So I correlatively place myself in a location and time in order to understand where and when we are. That would mean that I didn’t exist back in 1881 nor will I in 3067. But since I am now, that means that a very complex series of events had to happen so I can be. Had those events been different, I would not be here now. But the way I see it, I always was, am and will be. And so do you. I ain’t talking about immortality, I’m talking about transformation. We all are part of everyone else, but we all are unique individuals. I ain’t talking about deities neither. I’m talking about transformation and evolution. About how everything is interconnected. We who are and those who will be, have always been. Everything is a constant transformation. Evolution.
By now you may already be thinking about what my point is. Well, my point is that I am where I am, and I am when I am because both of the “past” and the “future”. Because of my perception of time. If I observe myself as my real self, I am nothing more and nothing less than a personification of an energy transformation. An evolution both in time and place. If I just accept that without being aware of what that really means, then I would probably turn into a religious person. I could easily find a religion with easy answers to my questions so I don’t need to explore myself any further. I would be accepting that I am where I need to be when I need to be. I would accept that I don’t need to think in order to be. That everything is just fine the way it is because it is the way it was meant to be. The way I see it, I would be slowing down an evolution. I would be denying that I have the ability to comprehend and transform. I would then deny myself the ability to understand who I actually am and what makes me be me instead of the consequential constructed me. But worst of all, I would be irresponsable.
In my opinion, we don’t belong to the pre-established place and time. We belong to a much complex “place” and “time”.
Getting too abstract? I guess I could just use the word “awareness”. Some days ago I wrote a little bit about what awareness means to me. But I’m going a little more deeper here.
By being aware of both the past and the future I can be in the now. For me the now is both the past and future being at the same time. It’s only when I place myself out of a constructed timeline that I can see how important it is to evolve. If I just accept others’ ways of perceiving environment, I would then be irresponsible and naive. I would be slowing down not just my evolution but the evolution of the whole.
Let’s go back to all the people I’ve met, from different places and times. If I only accept what I’m being told by the constructed systems, then I deny all the individual experiences that makes us who we are as a whole. I would be accepting just a very small and vague vision of who I actually am. A vague vision of history. It would be a course simplification of a much more complex and vast reality. A reality made off of different realities. I would not only be denying me as individual, but everyone else. I would, from my point of view, be unfair.
If I deny the past, I deny not only the present but also the future. If I always start from scratch I deny my ability to evolve. If I choose to avoid myself, then I choose to slow down not only my evolution by the whole’s evolution. That’s what I’ve learned from people from different places and times. That I am important as an individual because that makes us all equally important. Being aware of each other makes me evolve; shutting out any of my “past events”, does not only slow down my evolution as a being, but takes me back into what I already know is a painful path. Forgetfulness is a powerful tool, but also very dangerous. It can make us live in a constant past present.
This has a lot to do with my PTSD. PTSD has been using forgetfulness against my real me. It made me think that by forgetting and denying my past events they would disappear and then I would be able to move forward. That may be true for other people, but not for me. And I’ve been hitting the same wall over and over again because of that. By denying my past I was denying my future and therefor my present. I was denying my true me. I was denying my whole me. I was fighting others’ fights, getting lost in how other people perceive their own reality. I was caught in a competitive web.
Competition makes me weak, ill and irresponsible. Competition denies other realities and blinds me from seeing my real abilities. Abilities only measurable by my own personal evolving scale. I am unique, there is no one else like me. So are you. We are all unique. That is what makes us all equal. Denying that, makes us fight each other useless fights that prevents us to find new and better ways to thrive as a whole. That is what systems do, nullify individuals so the system can keep on being above individuals.
But what would happen if every individual was true and honest to their real self, not to the consequent self. I’m sure that a new system would appear. A system no longer above individuals but in harmony with individuals. A system that would not destroy the environment but interact with it to evolve as one. I see every being as cells. Cells in every living being evolve from stem cells, and acquire unique functions; if they do not evolve into being unique, then the being will likelihood fail to be. So there’s no chance for a system without individuals. I ain’t saying nothing new. We are part of a much bigger system. A so huge system that we don’t yet really comprehend. There are already lots of answers and guides to accept that we are part of something bigger. But those answers usually imply to just accept other peoples’ perception of reality as the only truths. Denying each and every individual’s own perception. I strongly believe that we are all unique, that there are not two or more individuals that are in the same place and time. Believing that two or more individuals are at what we call “the same point in life” is, as I understand it, a simplified illusion that slows down every individual’s ability to evolve. This is my own way of perceiving my own reality, based on my own interaction with the environment surrounding me. I am unique. You are unique. It’s our uniqueness what makes us equal.
We all have different abilities and interests, we may share some of them. Some of us may even have common goals. Think of it as the set theory; if we could see every individual represented as a set of unique abilities in a Venn diagram, then we would be able to see how we all intersect with each other.
It may look like a potpourri of concepts and unintelligible metaphors. For me it is very clear, because this is my own time and place perception. This is my own way of being aware. As I see it, the concept of yin and yang lacks dimensions. The dualisms I grew up with are not enough for me. I can not evolve if I keep on perceiving my environment as a to dimensional dualism.
If I try now to write all those thoughts as if I was going say it to a friend it would be something like this:
If we keep on fighting the way the system wants us to fight, then we’re not better than the system we want to change. If we keep on using system’s tactics, the upcoming systems will be just a new version of the old ones. If we don’t start learning that we are unique equal individuals, then we’ll always hit the same walls over and over again. If we don’t start seeing and accepting each other, we will keep on hurting individuals. And by doing that, we’re empowering the systems that denigrates and sickens us. So it’s time to start seeing the whole picture, the real impact we have onto each other. The real importance of individual culture. It is individuals who should make systems, not systems that make individuals. And the environment I perceive is an environment made by systems that oppresses and nullifies individuals when they are unique and express their own thoughts. An environment where being honest is punished, an environment that encourages oblivion. An environment that encourages nullifying. An environment that encourages anonymising.
I need to be aware, really aware. Not just ready made aware, awareness is a responsibility for us all. Awareness is personal, every individual has its own awareness. Otherwise awareness becomes a powerful tool to control individuals. By perceiving awareness only as the “here and now” we share only a vague part of who we really are and let evolution be in hands of a system that doesn’t care about us, the individuals. It is my responsibility to be aware. It is my responsibility to use all the knowledge I already have in myself to evolve and be a better being. Not by competing about being better than others, but actually individually evolving in order to be better together. Every being is a unique history book, and I strongly believe that we won’t be able to make any major change until we are aware of who we really are and what our individual abilities really are.
So instead of letting the systems choose what is important to invest on, let’s start investing on ourselves and on each other, as individuals.
Being individually aware, that’s my own rebellion against what inflicts me pain. It’s probably the most difficult kind of rebellion as it implies every individual’s own awareness, because we all are intertwined universes. So my own evolution depends of everyone else’s evolution. My own awareness depends on everyone else’s own awareness. My own revolution depends on everyone else’s revolution. Because we are all equal.
I ain’t saying nothing new. All these thoughts have been thought and will be thought. See where I’m going now? It is by being fully aware that we can evolve. We already know the concepts, but we as a whole allow systems to impose us our own paths. We as a whole are afraid to think by ourselves. We tend to mistake thinking with overthinking, so we end up underthinking.
We already have abilities we yet aren’t aware of.