In my journey with PTSD I’ve been through lots of different phases, and more are to come. One of the many decisions I’ve taken in the last year is to go back and listen to my childish me. All the hours I’ve been working with therapists have shown me how my childish me has been, for many years, asking myself for attention and help. I try to perceive my environment as I did before it all started to go wrong for me. That’s a really difficult task. Politics have been a part of my life since day one. What I learned by observing how things were around me was that we are in an endless war between dualities. I wrote about dualities in a previous post, and will surely do a lot more.
Dualities have oppressed me since long time ago. I grew up in a country with a state-imposed memory loss on crimes against humanity. A country that allowed criminals to maintain their powerful positions. To keep their positions from a dictatorship to a wrongly called democracy. I grew up fearing the state. At school I learned about democracy and human rights and all that idealistic world bullshit. I say bullshit not because I dislike the idea of that world, but because it wasn’t real. It was a world completely different from the world I perceived. I grew up fearing police, military, politicians… basically fearing everything that represented authority. And with good reasons. I was basically told to obey a system that failed me. I learned to resign long before I even knew there was a word for it. I was not the only one, we were many. A whole generation. We found each other in the underground. The only place where we could express ourselves. The state did its best to crush our culture. We were told that we were apathetic, apolitical and that we didn’t care much about each other. Was the state afraid that maybe there are different ways to be political? Or did the state just don’t care about us? Was the state conscious about how damaging it is to say that you live in a place and time that doesn’t correspond at all with the reality? Was the state conscious about how damaging it is to nullify individuals? I think so.
As a child I learned to mistrust authority, feared weapons and all those who carried them. I’ve been in demonstrations lots of times. Demonstrations have been a powerful tool for people to change things. But my environment showed me another reality. And looking at how things are today, I honestly don’t see how demonstrations helps us anymore, unless we are aware of every demonstration in the history (which is practically imposible). Don’t take me wrong, I totally I support the right to demonstrate. But what I see is how the systems that nullify us use our rights against us. Systems that have distorted the meaning of basic concepts as democracy, dictatorship and many more. Just to put a clear example, what’s the first synonym most people come to when they hear the word “anarchy”?
That dreadful state that failed me was trying to teach me to blindly believe in a distorted democracy concept. A democracy that has, since I was born, had only two outcomes every time there are elections. A democracy with only two outcomes that actually apply the same kind of politics to oppress individuals. A democracy that applies dictatorship techniques under the name of democracy. A democracy imposed by dictatorship. A democracy that started with not only total amnesty for criminals against humanity, but that kept them in the power. A democracy that still today hasn’t condemned all those criminals. What kind of democracy is that?
That democracy told me every day that I was lucky to live in a democratic state. A democracy that maintains archaic roles by the grace of God. A democracy that tortures. A democracy with its own terrorist group. Wow! Happy happy joy joy! How lucky I was. How lucky we were.
That democracy surprises me not with sentences like this (links to an external article from the independent). Will demonstrations make them change their opinion? Will demonstrations make them realise that they are wrong? It hasn’t worked in over forty years. What’s happening is that for every day that the distorted system is maintained, more and more people suffer its consequences. I sincerely think that the system is using and abusing the individuals every time people demonstrate. Demonstrations have made the system toughen laws against individuals. What I see is a system that manipulates and uses what we know as the Hegel’s Thesis-Antithesis-Synthesis Model (although it was Johann Gottlieb Fichte’s). A system that abuses power and uses brutality to repress. Why do we expect justice from a democracy that started with a king who acceded to the throne two days after the death of the dictator that taught him? Why do we expect justice from a system created by criminals? What kind of justice do we actually expect? I don’t expect anything from that system.
I sincerely don’t see how fighting an old system with old techniques will bring us a completely new and fair system. I don’t see how giving our lives to an old system will bring us thrive. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the courage of thousands of people whose lives made possible major changes in our societies. But I don’t see an equal and fair world. I don’t see a world where human rights are a reality, not only a text on a book. I don’t see real progress as a whole. I only see divisions that maintain the nullifying of the individuals. I only see global suffering. I’m not willing to give my live to that system. I find all the suffer I see in my fellow humans really disgusting. We are in a collective mental depression, and with good reasons. I must do all I can to change that in me. I don’t want anyone denying me the right to think. I know that state imposed amnesia is a fact, and I know how dangerous it is. My own way of really fighting back that system is by being aware. As aware as I manage to be. And by awareness I mean aware of both the past and the future, because that is my now. If I let bullies impose their methods on me and fight back with their own methods, I then become a bully myself.
Not being aware of who I am empowers my PTSD, and that is actually quite convenient for the system that has failed me. So I do all I can to avoid that.
Where’s the fair world they talked about?