My conversations with nature enrich me a lot. These are not what I would call conventional conversations, and they are not always equally successful. Not because of nature, but because of me. Sometimes I need to go back to a specific spot so I can resume interesting conversations.
That was the case with this awesome tree in the middle of the picture:
I had to go back to that spot to talk a little more with this amazing tree. The first time I wasn’t even trying to talk with him, I was actually trying to communicate with some bushes and mushrooms. But he was more willing to talk to me, it was actually he who started talking to me. I don’t expect anyone to understand how this communication works, it just does for me. And the more open and sincere I am the better we communicate. I don’t care if it sounds absurd for you, the thing is that this works for me.
So what we did talk about? Lots of things, but mostly about humility. About how important it is to be humble and honest. Try to give those words a real meaning, not an inspirational quote type of meaning. It is really difficult to be congruent with what we think it means and the meaning we actually give to those words.
If I’m dishonest then I try hard to be someone else, claiming to have better knowledge than others. Let me put it in the job perspective. I’ve worked in really different kind of business. Although I do have knowledge about graphic design, printing, typography, photography, programming, gardening and about lots of other things, I ain’t nobody to tell anybody else what is right or wrong for them. I simply cannot lie and try to convince anybody about what they need. I can only tell people what I need, what works for me and what doesn’t. I can explain my perception of things to those who are willing to listen to me. But I am completely unable to lie to people about their needs. Every time I’ve been working somewhere where I had to take decisions for other people I ended up feeling bad, even though they were really happy with my help.
I have been gathering knowledge from absolutely every single job, learning a lot from other people and by doing. Among other things I studied Art Direction, and let me tell you that that corroborated my learnings all along: we live in a system that processes everything for us to consume. Making us believe that it is we who choose. Yes, exactly like my PTSD.
Talking to that tree was comforting and gave me a feeling of belonging. He helped me with my haikus. It was he who gave me the confidence I needed to resume the exploration of my own poetry, something I left in a long hiatus when I was teenager. I’ve tried too hard for too long to adapt me to my surroundings that I forgot who I am. I owe myself the right to do what I enjoy doing, because by doing it I choose the right direction to go, my own dimension. We were talking about how difficult it is to find the perfect balance between humility and honesty that allows us to be in harmony with our shared dimensions and our own dimensions. He told me that dimensions are paths, and that there are paths within me that only I can discover. As I grew up I was taught to forget that those paths exist, I learned to survive in a three dimensional world. My subconscious has somehow always been aware of the existence of my own dimensions, but I will most certainly never be able to understand those. As the tree told me, I must learn to unlearn and go back to where all ended because it is there where all started. This system we live in ain’t big enough for all our inner dimensions, it limits us. I will never be able to start understanding myself if I keep trying to find myself in a three dimensional world. I was fooled to believe that keeping myself into those three dimensions would make me happy. It only made me ill. I wasn’t honest enough to myself.
I don’t expect anybody to understand my own dimensions, I don’t even know how many or… I can’t even describe those dimensions. I know that for some people this may sound like a new age spiritual religious mumbo jumbo, others may say it is introspection or meditation. For me it’s being self aware that I will never be able to really understand all the dimensions within me. We have enough recorded history to know that we actually know almost nothing, that we’ve been wrong a lot of times and blindly trusted other people’s truths. I’m not talking only about religions, but also in the believe that science has always the right answer. Don’t get me wrong, I admire science and every scientist in the world, but I know that science has been wrong in a lot of answers.
I ain’t willing to let others give me easy answers in the form of religions or the three dimensional illusions of happiness. I now accept my own complexity as a gift to explore, not as something to be ashamed of. I don’t want to just accept the first explanation my brain can come with and let that explanation mislead me. So accepting others’ explanations is almost imposible for me. Sure, there’s a lot of PTSD in that, I’ve learned to mistrust people. I’ve been lied and deceived so many times that it’s very difficult for me to trust. But it has also given me the ability to understand that there is never one reason or only one answer when I ask why. For me, asking why is a very profound question and it is impossible to get an absolute answer. It’s not like I need to know the reason why, but to start understanding how many different possible reasons are hiding behind the answers.
Talking to nature enriches me a lot and opens small holes within me that allow me to vaguely observe some of my inner dimensions from far away. For me that is by far much better than trying to live an illusion of easiness. I am way too complex to try to hide myself in that three dimensional illusion, it simply doesn’t work for me. I don’t think it really works for anybody, but that is just how I perceive our common illusion. I can only speak for myself.