WOW! What a week! Came back from Bodø two days ago and I’m still processing all the emotions.
It was very intense, beautifully intense. Lots of conversations with nature there. And over two thousand photos! So I have a lot of material to go through.
I was lucky with the weather, it was supposed to be rainy the first days, but it was more snowy than rainy. Had no problems with the equipment and everything was perfect for me.
It was emotionally very intense, but I felt like I was at home all the time so it was comforting. I did not even listen to music until I took the train back to Oslo. There were different kind of silences and I discovered something about my tinnitus. For years now I thought that I heard bells from a church nearby where I live, but I could hear the same bells in the middle of the woods in Bodø! So my tinnitus gives me the joy of not only melodies and whispering voices, but also church bells ringing. Someday I want to do more research about my tinnitus.
Since I came back I’ve been dealing with paperwork because of my long sick leave. There’s a plugin on my site causing problems so I cannot update my photos/prints and I have to use a lot of time contacting two different custom services. But worst of all, the system that has failed us so many times is getting harder against us, the individuals.
It is really difficult for me to deal with all what’s happening in the world. There’s a lot of beauty and beautiful people who care about each other, but there’s still too much suffering. I can’t just close my eyes and try to live in a bubble. We are all responsible of everything happening in the world. It’s our responsibility because we all live in this world. I don’t know how other people is or should be doing things, I only know what I can do to change a system that has been abusing us for so long. But it always feels like it’s not enough, that I could be doing much more. I know that I have a lot more to give and my goal is to be able to give that much. But I can’t just do it by my own, I need help from my fellow human beings. Knowing that I am able to do much more but that I depend on others to do it stresses me, a lot. So I do all I can by my own, because I still have big trust issues. And then I go into a paradox, I need people’s help but I do all I can so I do not depend on others. I find myself asking for help from the system that I don’t trust. I deserve that help, so I ain’t just going to give up on something that every human being should have. And I find myself asking for help because of a plugin that does not work properly. Asking for help is still difficult and a stress factor for me.
One of my therapists asked me yesterday if I would rather live in a house in the woods far from people. She knows that I enjoy my alone time in the woods a lot, she is even a little concerned because it may be too much hiding from social live. No, it’s not like I would rather live alone in the woods, far from people. It’s just that I don’t find happiness in the big media circus, the dynamic we as a society have, the lies we tell ourselves in order to survive. This doesn’t give any sense to me.
Our society encourages us to be egoists, in a bad way. But we can always feel good with ourselves with pseudo awareness and gurus who tell us “smile and life will smile you back, be positive and everything is going to be alright…” I only hear “here, take this ready made solution and don’t think, you’ll be happy”.
Another of my therapists likes to say “it’s just a fucking thought”. Yes, it is. He means that all my negative thoughts are just that, thoughts. He always focus on linking “it’s a fucking thought” with my negative thoughts. I totally get it. That is something that I’ve known for a long time. But the same applies for every positive thought I have, they are just that, just fucking thoughts. I struggle with both the positive and negative thoughts. I struggle with my thinking. I struggle when I am myself. Because our society wants it easy. Thinking has turned into a con. Thinking is not a pro anymore. Thinking is boring. Thinking is difficult. Thinking is challenging. Thinking has turned into evil. Thinking became into overthinking, the enemy to fight. We like to believe that we are independent individuals with analytic thinking open to new people and ideas. It may be true for some, but as a society? nope. We like to believe that we live in a society where individuals have their own opinions, but in reality we end up adopting big media’s opinions as our own opinions. Our mouths speak other thoughts. We get the thinking done and served everyday so we can be happy and live easy lives. But do we? Are we happy? Do we live easy lives? Are we really taking free choices? I only hear lies everywhere, people abusing other people’s rights. I see criminals raping our minds everyday. It may be because of my PTSD, but I really don’t trust any guru, idol, religion or any other form of superiority. I find it dangerous. Really dangerous. Maybe it’s because of my PTSD and that I grew up having very low self esteem and heard that I was never going to be anything, everyone else knew always better than me. Maybe that’s why I find it so difficult to trust in any form of power above individuals. But now, after four decades, I try to see this mistrust and my need to think and observe things from different points of view as my biggest qualities. I know that it has closed a lot of doors for me. Even people has taken distance because of my abilities. But I owe to myself the right to be myself as long as I don’t put myself above anyone else. Because I ain’t above nobody, as nobody should be above me.
I had a lot of time to think in Bodø, to keep on helping my true me to be free from traumatic experiences. Peeling off some more layers of my constructed me. There are still a lot of layers to peel off and some layers are difficult to see, so this will take time. But I do not throw any of those layers away, I turn them into something useful and beautiful for me. They are after all prove of my living. And my ability to turn them into art is something beautiful.
I hope to fix all the paperwork soon so I can keep on working on my transition to thriving.