When my own pandora’s box got opened I did something I shouldn’t have done. I trusted a very special person to me. A person I admire and love, an amazing person. I realised that for more than 30 years I had been in denial, underestimating my traumatic experiences. I realised that if I had had the help I really needed my life could have been completely different. I felt like I had wasted a lot of my life. I felt small, insignificant, pathetic, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I trusted my feelings to a person whose strength I admire, a person who had been patient and kind with me. A person that had treated me like no one had before. One of the few whom I felt secure enough to be myself. A person in whom I found the strength and will to understand me better so I could be closer to my real self and not the constructed one. But that was obviously a bad decision, I made that person angry and my trust issues got worse than ever. I should have never trusted my feelings to a person that had actually rejected me. I really admire this person’s strength and humanity, I never got so close to anyone before. But I obviously never meant the same for that person. But that is a completely different story of which I don’t know anything about and it’s not I who can explain it. I wished this person could be really aware about the huge impact it had on me, but I don’t want to bother with my victories.
We all have our baggage, our own traumas. Our experiences are different, but the outcomes aren’t so different. We all try to do our best, we all have our defence mechanisms. But not everyone is aware of this. And these defence mechanisms are more often than we think a result of our own traumas. It scares us when we don’t know why we do as we do, we even take choices that time makes us regret we took. Some say that that’s life, but for me that’s a waste of time. That’s what I felt when my pandora’s box got opened. I had two choices, hide once again pretending that everything was fine and waste more time or face all those painful traumas that had been hiding within me and understand myself better. I don’t want to waste more time pretending that everything is fine when it is not. Wasting time should be a choice not a defence mechanism.
The best things in life aren’t easy. Easy is an illusion we have inherited among others from capitalism. We’ve been told that when something doesn’t amuse or gives us instant pleasure anymore, we can just throw it away and buy a new one. We aren’t really aware about our environments, we demand and want things to be easy without really thinking about the consequences of our acts. We are quite good into making it worst for ourselves when we hide ourselves behind illusions.
Have you ever been stonewalled and/or ghosted? Those are also defence mechanisms, but are those healthy mechanisms? Not at all. Those are mechanisms learned from traumatic experiences. Stonewalling and ghosting are consequences of previous unresolved traumas. Those are defence mechanisms that hurt not only the person who’s being stonewalled or ghosted but the person using these mechanisms. It may seem like forgetting is the best option. But it’s something that comes back to you because it will always follow you, it becomes a part of you. It empowers the strength traumas have upon us. It is not us but traumas’ defence mechanisms. It is traumas’ choice. Stonewalling and ghosting are traumas’ victories.
I am aware of how my trust issues are a result of traumatic experiences, but I’m also aware that I will never know anyone deep enough to trust that their actions aren’t guided by their traumas but by their real selves. No matter what the causes are, the outcomes are alike and affect us all. We are not aware of the impact a single word can make to another person. We are not aware of how difficult and overwhelming feelings can be for other people. We are not aware about how our own denial affects other people.
Awareness, once again. The real meaning of awareness. Awareness can be overwhelming and scary. Unless it’s pseudo-awareness. Pseudo-awareness may feel good for a while, but it’s dangerous and invites authoritarian ideologies to easily take control of our thoughts. Best things in life aren’t easy. Easy is a dangerous concept. The search for easiness can be a facade hiding something painful. The search of easiness can actually be the traumas’ choice. Pseudo-awareness is a big invitation for our traumas to keep on making choices for us, and as I see it, a dangerous invitation into accepting and normalising authoritarianism from other people.
Traumas can fool us into chasing illusions like easiness while we only make it worse for ourselves. We are extremely complex beings, we don’t yet fully understand our own human nature. Why are we then chasing easiness? Why do we keep underestimating ourselves?
I don’t think we are fully aware of our own impact in Earth. The fact that communication is an issue for people who struggle says a lot more about our society than about individuals struggling to communicate. And pseudo-awareness ain’t helping us getting better. I honestly think that pseudo-awareness is blinding us, creating a false facade of happiness and hiding the true beauty behind the complexity of the whole. False awareness is dangerous for us all, I really think that it actually builds bigger walls between us instead of allowing a constructive communication. And I think that it is because pseudo-awareness has become a trend to follow, putting an unnecessary pressure on us: the search for happiness in easiness. But deep inside we know that we are far more complex than what we want to admit. There’s a beautiful Chinese proverb that says “the twisted tree lives its life, while the right tree ends up in planks”. I honestly think that we all should accept our complexity and fear anyone that wants us to believe in easiness. My experience taught me that those who want us to believe that we have to be right trees are those who expect us to become the planks they use to build their own homes.
I may never be able to fully trust again, but I know that I have to keep on being the twisted tree I‘ve always been. It may sound strange, but I have tried hard to become a plank so I could fit in. But it’s pointless, I will never be able to fit in in an illusion. I haven’t been able to become a plank before, why should I now? I choose to be aware of my own complexity and accept it like nobody else has been able to do before. I’m used to being forced to accept and respect others’ complexity, so respecting mine ain’t that hard for me. It’s actually easier 😉