Time is an amazing concept, but our perception of time is even more awesome. How we choose to place events and ourselves in timelines fascinates me. Experiences can be revived decades after they happened not only in form of flashbacks but also as feelings or actions apparently out of place in the so called now. Some triggers can alter not only our own time perception but also our placement in timeline. Both positives and negative triggers can make us feel things we felt for decades ago. I‘ve experienced a huge press to focus only on the positive feelings, to only think of the positive experiences and memories. As if the negative experiences weren’t important. But luckily for me I got tired of trying to satisfy other people’s time perceptions.
I can recall absolutely every traumatic experience and bad feeling without it affecting me like it does when I try to compare my measurements with other people’s. I can see how bad for my chronic depression it has been to listen to the “you have to be more positive and focus on the here and now”. I have not, at least not the way they mean. I have my own time perception. There’s nothing wrong with other people’s time perception, but it’s not mine. I’ve been trying to fit in other people’s perceptions and it simply doesn’t work for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t saying that mine is the right and yours is not. What I’m saying is that maybe yours ain’t right for me, as mine may not be right for you. Ain’t that beautiful? It is for me. I experience past, present and future as the same thing. Not because I am a clairvoyant or can talk with dead people from the past. No, it has nothing to do with any of that.
What most people calls present is both past and future for me. It’s a matter of how we choose to understand time. Is time only happening as long as I live? No, what happens while I live is my egocentric perception of time. That is what I call present. I understand that this can be confusing.
The only way I can capture my present is by encrypting it into memories, I can do it on different kind of supports. My point is that what we usually call now is an ego experience. That’s the reason why the be present in the now kind of awareness is slightly different for me. I am aware of how tiny I am in the universe.
My experience of now is my whole live, that is my mesure. My now is from my birth to my death, a fleeting burst of energy. That is the only experience I can call now. I do of course interact with other human beings so I have to encrypt my own time perception to a pre-established common time perception.
We are all unique with unique perceptions. I don’t expect nobody to agree or even understand my perceptions. I share my perceptions not to convince anyone that mine are the right ones but to help understand that yours matter. We have no idea of how other people perceive environments and sometimes trying to press ourselves into others‘ perceptions ain’t the best way out of our struggles. Understanding myself and being honest to my perceptions allows me to heal, grow and have a better understanding of the complexity of the whole.
A clear example of how different we can be is the fact that some people can hear their thoughts, others have abstract non-verbal thoughts and others -like I do- have both. Trying to simplify our complex individuality may not be the best option if we want to improve our mental health. I do believe that this may in fact be the cause of a lot of people’s mental struggle. But this is my perception and may be completely different from yours. Ain’t that beautiful?