Writing about anxiety is never easy. Being so open and all what’s happening lately have triggered my anxiety. But doing something constructive out of it is part of my project. Lots of alarms have been sounding inside me. Lots of different reasons. I ain’t going to focus on the triggers but on what I do to fight back.
I recently found out a tough side of my personality, I’m actually quite good when it comes to exposure therapy. But trust issues are still a big problem for me. So I accept that, I don’t push myself too much. I reclaim my own tempo. That doesn’t mean that I give up, but that I strengthen the bases on which I build up back my trust in people. So keeping my mind focused on my project is the best way to do it.
I’ve been working hard on my site, focusing my energies on the creative aspects of my therapy. Although it implies to be locked up in my safe place, the outcome is actually to expose myself to a higher level. When I now see the results of my work, I get a mastering feeling. It surely is frihtening to show myself to unknown people, but I’m doing it.
I’ve played lots of improv music concerts and never had stage fright. It wasn’t until this year that I lost my happiness of playing concerts. But it wasn’t because of standing on a stage playing for unknown people, it was because the before and after standing on the stage. The social aspect of playing concerts. Interacting with people.
So being able to open myself to unknown people through this project is helping me regain confidence in my artistic work without pushing myself too much. I’m already getting really good responses from people about my new focus on my journey with PTSD. That is something that triggers my anxiety, but I’m learning to accept good feedback. It may sound strange, but I have problems with good feedback. That is probably because the worst critics always came from me, and the best ones came from people that hurt me really bad. I know that it’s unfair to think than everyone who says something nice to me is after something from me. But PTSD ain’t fair for anyone.
So here I am now, doing something really uncomfortable. Writing about myself and my anxiety from my safe place. In my head I already have plans for my next chapter. I’m turning my anxiety into something creative. Not only by putting up my site, but planning my next photos. I don’t know how my photos will look like yet, but I’m internally working on what I want to exteriorise.
So before I take the train to Bodø late this month, I’ll be enjoying more nights in Oslomarka. Meta cognitive therapy in the woods. Sounds like the best therapy I can do.