Kayaking has also become an important part of me. I started kayaking in August this year. Why ? Exposure therapy was the main reason, but it felt like the right choice. I’ve been fighting lots of traumas this last year, one of them has a lot to do with the sea. And to be honest, there has always been a voice inside me telling “this is something for you”. Guess what, that voice was right. The more I paddle the more I love it. In only two months I’ve already taken three courses. The introduction course, the basic course and a eskimo rolling course.

I was really lucky with the introduction course. It was extremely difficult for me because of my social anxiety, not to mention the sea. But there I met Tad, Laura, Andrea and Victoria. Beautiful people. So I managed to fight back my anxiety. I love kayaking alone, but kayaking with them is always much better.

Kayaking has shown me how much I’m able to accomplish. One year ago I couldn’t rely on my own body because of the pain and inflammations. Kayaking gives me also a mastering feeling, there’s a whole unknown universe beneath me. It feels like being in a small spaceship. I never know what’s really happening beneath me, I have to feel the wind, feel the sea, look to the sky… there are a lot of things happening all the time, but I feel comfortable. Even when it’s windy. I guess that being more than thirty years in hyper-vigilance modus was a good training after all. I like to see it that way, otherwise all that hyper-vigilance would have only been a waste of time. I still have a lot to learn, but kayaking feels right for me. Since the first day. It felt like being in the kayak’s cockpit was the right place to be, although I actually hate being in small places. But somehow, I become as one with the kayak. I guess that by being in such a small place I find the balance I need to be out in such a huge place.

I’m training for a special trip. Next year I want to paddle from Oslo to Jeløya. I was in rehab in Jeløya back in 2017, so it will be a kind of closure for me. I don’t know when it will be, but August would be perfect. Exactly 3 years after my first stay in rehab.

I’ll be blogging more about how kayaking helps me cope with .


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