Loneliness

I want to start this post by thanking a very special follower of my project, it is because of her that I am writing this post today. You really are an inspiration LJ, thanks for the challenge! 😀

Loneliness, that is another big complex subjective concept. There are lots of studies about loneliness, loneliness in different contexts. Loneliness in different life stages, cultures… you name it. But I am only going to write about my own experiences and perceptions, as I always do.

In several occasions I’ve been told that I am afraid to be alone. It has always confused me, I am used to loneliness. I ain’t afraid of being alone. Being alone doesn’t scare me at all, those who thought I was afraid of being alone were probably projecting their own fears on me. This is something that has confused me, but not anymore. I am used to loneliness, I enjoy being alone. That doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy being with people.
There are of course different kinds of loneliness. But I am sure that there is one kind of loneliness that we all have felt at some point of our lives. That is the kind of loneliness we feel no matter how many people we have in our lives. We can be very social, be surrounded by people almost all the time and yet feel alone. That kind of loneliness is very common, and the way I see it, it hides a deeper problem.
I can only speak for myself and my own experiences, I know very well where my loneliness feelings came from. Feeling alone among other people has actually always been because of the same reason, it has always the same root. I am aware of that root, I’ve faced my traumas and pulled that root. I’ve studied it in detail, and the more I look at it the more I understand that loneliness doesn’t scare me.
When it comes to share my path with someone else, I’ve been more time alone than not. The longest relationship I’ve been into lasted six years, all together I’ve been in different kind of relationships for almost ten years. So no, being alone does not scare me.
But being alone and feeling alone are two completely different things. I’ve felt alone a lot of times, one of the worst when I prepared myself to die as a teenager. Loneliness, for me, has always been related to other human beings. When I am outdoors in the wilderness, I don’t feel alone. There is so much life and stories all around that I never feel alone. It has always been among human beings that I feel loneliness, never in the wilderness. Sure, I have enjoyed sharing my path with other people, but I don’t think any of them really understood what it meant to me. Sharing paths is something very deep, it ain’t just sharing space and time.
I’ve also heard “it’s like I’ve known you all my life” a lot of times. I don’t know what they really mean, but I think it has a lot to do with their own loneliness feelings. I guess they felt more seen and less alone with me than with other people. It is also true that none of those persons took the time to actually know me better, maybe because they felt that they already knew all about me. That is something that makes me feel alone. That has always thrown me back to my traumatic experiences and how I had to go on as if they never occurred. The feeling of not being worthy. That’s it, feeling alone is feeling unworthy. That is why loneliness is always related to other human beings, because of their expectations. When I don’t fulfil those expectations I become unworthy their time and loneliness feelings start to crawl in.

I do have a marvellous mind able to get distracted with almost anything, being alone isn’t boring for me. I do lots of things, even when I feel like I don’t. I am constantly learning and creating. I don’t choose to be with somebody just to be entertained, I am more than able to entertain myself. The reasons why I choose to be with other people are much deeper than merely entertainment. And to be honest, I’m done being an exotic entertainment. I create lots of music, paintings, photos, text and more, that should be enough entertainment for those who want my entertainment.

For me, being alone and feeling alone are two different things. And what I’ve learned is that feeling alone hides much deeper issues that require my attention. Being alone is a choice, feeling alone is not. But feeling and being alone at the same time ain’t a good combination at all, then being alone doesn’t feel like a choice at all. I’ve both been and felt alone a lot of times (even at the same time), so I know very well the difference. But once again, that is my perception and yours may be completely different.

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